Why can't you?

Ever wonder why the person you want to sleep with/date doesn't want to sleep with/date you?

I haven't been rejected a whole lot, but I know it sucks. No matter how much someone tells you "Youre' great. I like you, but I just want to be friends.", you automatically think there's something wrong with you. And there is.

In a way there is, at least. Don't get all indignant on me and bellow, "There is nothing wrong with me. If they don't want to date me then that's their loss!" because while you're right AND wrong because, face it... they aren't losing what they didn't want anyway. On the other hand, they may later come to realize that they DID actually lose out, but that's rare.

There IS something wrong with you in the sense that the other person doesn't want you for whatever reason. This doesn't mean you're horribly flawed, but it does mean that they feel you're lacking something that they require.

However, take comfort in knowing that this is THEIR issue and not really yours.

Anyway... the questions usually asked upon rejection are:
1) If they think you're great, then how do they know they don't want to date you?
2) Why are they turning you down, but thinking you could be friends?
3) Do they even mean the "be friends" thing?
And my final question:
4) Why can't they just flat out say what they actually mean? Which is: While you seem great, I'm not attracted to you.

Having used dating sites on and off for the last few years or so, I have had occasion to say that I wasn't interested in a male who approached me, but I've never said that I wanted to become friends with the men I was turning down. Sometimes they have become angry, chastizing me for saying no to them and frankly that bit baffles me. Why should I wait until they may become more attached to me to tell them NO? That, my friends, is called stringing them along. We will go through this 'getting to know ya' process, at the end of which, I'm merely going to dash their building hopes anyway. To me, if I don't see them as dating potential on the first couple of contacts, why shouldn't I say so right up front?

Sure, I realize that not everyone is aces at promoting themselves online. We're not all great writers or self-describers, but then again we're not all literate or interesting or appealing either. I firmly believe that many things about a person can still shine through a poor profile. I tend to go by the first attempts at greeting/conversations moreso than the profiles anyway... so it's not as if I've been turning guys down based only on their poorly assembled profiles.

They always want to know why, too. "Why are you turning me down?". Now this gives me pause. Why would someone turn someone down? Well... because they aren't interested. That's why. That answer doesn't ever cut it, so if you want to get out of the on-coming circular argument, try stating, 'We want different things' or even 'I'm not attracted to you'. Sound harsh? Well it's not. 'I'm not attracted to you' doesn't mean 'You're ugly as sin'. We just like to pretend it does. Example: Most women I know consider Richard Gere to be hot as hell. Me? I have ZERO attraction to the man. I'd be full of shit if I said he was ugly, however, because he isn't. He does blink way too much, but maybe he's got allergies. Who knows?

Just give them the real reason. None of this bullshit about how you just got out of a relationship and are treading carefully. If you're so wounded from the past, you shouldn't be on the market. No long involved stories either, designed to keep him thinking that if he waits long enough for you, that you'll suddenly want him. Most importantly, DO NOT offer the friends consolation prize! He (or she) does not want your friendship if they are approaching you on a dating site. Doubly so if you're turning them down.

So to answer the first question I posed: More often than not: Because they just aren't attracted to you!

To answer the other four questions. The maddening, but true answers:
1) They just know they're not attracted to you for whatever reason, so the point is moot.
2) Se answer to opening question a few lines above.
3) Overall, NO. You're unlikely to encounter the rare breed of person who does genuinely want a new friend even if the new friend wanted something else.
4) We don't like to be honest if we think it will be taken poorly by the target of our honesty. In our defense, however, some folks do get mighty upset or abusive when we're honest with them.