Try try try...

I've been thinking a lot about the relationships I've had. Very few of them have been good for me. It's possible that while I think they started out good for me. They may not have EVER been good for me. I might have been terribly delusional about the whole thing.

I've never really been after marriage although I am not exactly opposed to it, per se. It's not a priority, but it's certainly not an impossibility either. For the right one, it'd probably be very good, indeed. However, no such person has presented himself to me. Nor has the universe revealed any such man.

Once upon a time, I was 21 and I thought such a man had dropped in my lap (ok, I was set up with him, really). The chemistry was phenomenal. He was smart, fun and funny, attractive and seemed to think all those things about me. Clicking isn't nearly a good enough adjective to describe what we did. As time when by (about 6 mos. to be exact), he proposed. I answered yes and there I was... engaged and part of me didn't even know why. I don't mean to make it sound like I got carried away and said yes when I didn't want to. Or that he got carried away and asked because that's not how it felt at the time. I said yes and I did mean it.

Eventually, however... maybe 2 years later, I really wondered why he proposed. There was never any wedding planning done. At first, we both felt that since we'd gotten engaged so quick, that a long engagement was on the menu. It made perfect sense at the time and families were on that bandwagon, so my spidey-sense wasn't tingling at all. I'll assume his wasn't either. One thing I never wondered about was whether or not he loved me.

After year number 3, I think I pretty much knew marriage wasn't gonna happen, but I stuck around for almost another 2 years. No, I don't really know why. I don't think I feared being alone, but I do think it made no sense to walk away from someone who loved me, and someone my family and friends really seemed to love, too. I didn't know then how wrong I was.

On both counts.

After that ended (obviously without a wedding), marriage became even less of a priority, though I was not turned off of the idea. I was just not giving it any thought with anyone who I got involved with after him.

No one was bad husband material or bad in any way. An while marriage was brought up once or twice by those who followed him, nothing ever came of it. I was fine with this. Again, I assume they were too.

Lately though... as I look back on my relationships, I notice a theme. None of them are all that bad, but there's always some sort of issue. There's me not wanting to get too involved. Or them not wanting to get too involved. Or it's too complicated for some reason (usually their reasons). Maybe it wasn't the right time.

I don't want a lot. Not looking specifically for marriage and not looking AT ALL to start a family with anyone. I'd rather step into an already created family (IE: step-kids) as I'm just not a baby-maker. I'm not looking to be showered with gifts. Or to be treated like a princess. I'm not looking for movie-style love. I'm not interested in drama, either.

What I do want is someone as interested in me as I am in them. I'm looking for the odd "I love you!" and the actions that back that shit up. I'm looking to tell someone that I love them and then going on myself to back that shit up. I want someone I can talk to. I want someone to go places with.. someone to do groceries with me (because I hate it).

Stupid as it seems... that's hard to find and I don't understand why.