Why can't you?

Ever wonder why the person you want to sleep with/date doesn't want to sleep with/date you?

I haven't been rejected a whole lot, but I know it sucks. No matter how much someone tells you "Youre' great. I like you, but I just want to be friends.", you automatically think there's something wrong with you. And there is.

In a way there is, at least. Don't get all indignant on me and bellow, "There is nothing wrong with me. If they don't want to date me then that's their loss!" because while you're right AND wrong because, face it... they aren't losing what they didn't want anyway. On the other hand, they may later come to realize that they DID actually lose out, but that's rare.

There IS something wrong with you in the sense that the other person doesn't want you for whatever reason. This doesn't mean you're horribly flawed, but it does mean that they feel you're lacking something that they require.

However, take comfort in knowing that this is THEIR issue and not really yours.

Anyway... the questions usually asked upon rejection are:
1) If they think you're great, then how do they know they don't want to date you?
2) Why are they turning you down, but thinking you could be friends?
3) Do they even mean the "be friends" thing?
And my final question:
4) Why can't they just flat out say what they actually mean? Which is: While you seem great, I'm not attracted to you.

Having used dating sites on and off for the last few years or so, I have had occasion to say that I wasn't interested in a male who approached me, but I've never said that I wanted to become friends with the men I was turning down. Sometimes they have become angry, chastizing me for saying no to them and frankly that bit baffles me. Why should I wait until they may become more attached to me to tell them NO? That, my friends, is called stringing them along. We will go through this 'getting to know ya' process, at the end of which, I'm merely going to dash their building hopes anyway. To me, if I don't see them as dating potential on the first couple of contacts, why shouldn't I say so right up front?

Sure, I realize that not everyone is aces at promoting themselves online. We're not all great writers or self-describers, but then again we're not all literate or interesting or appealing either. I firmly believe that many things about a person can still shine through a poor profile. I tend to go by the first attempts at greeting/conversations moreso than the profiles anyway... so it's not as if I've been turning guys down based only on their poorly assembled profiles.

They always want to know why, too. "Why are you turning me down?". Now this gives me pause. Why would someone turn someone down? Well... because they aren't interested. That's why. That answer doesn't ever cut it, so if you want to get out of the on-coming circular argument, try stating, 'We want different things' or even 'I'm not attracted to you'. Sound harsh? Well it's not. 'I'm not attracted to you' doesn't mean 'You're ugly as sin'. We just like to pretend it does. Example: Most women I know consider Richard Gere to be hot as hell. Me? I have ZERO attraction to the man. I'd be full of shit if I said he was ugly, however, because he isn't. He does blink way too much, but maybe he's got allergies. Who knows?

Just give them the real reason. None of this bullshit about how you just got out of a relationship and are treading carefully. If you're so wounded from the past, you shouldn't be on the market. No long involved stories either, designed to keep him thinking that if he waits long enough for you, that you'll suddenly want him. Most importantly, DO NOT offer the friends consolation prize! He (or she) does not want your friendship if they are approaching you on a dating site. Doubly so if you're turning them down.

So to answer the first question I posed: More often than not: Because they just aren't attracted to you!

To answer the other four questions. The maddening, but true answers:
1) They just know they're not attracted to you for whatever reason, so the point is moot.
2) Se answer to opening question a few lines above.
3) Overall, NO. You're unlikely to encounter the rare breed of person who does genuinely want a new friend even if the new friend wanted something else.
4) We don't like to be honest if we think it will be taken poorly by the target of our honesty. In our defense, however, some folks do get mighty upset or abusive when we're honest with them.

Dillwads Not Welcome Here...

Having used Online Personals before and seeing just how monumentally bad the majority of the profiles are, I couldn't help but share this.

Rachel's Helpful Guide to Online Dating: For Men

How To NOT Sound Like a Total Dillwad on the Personals:

1. When composing a headline for your profile, never use the phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard!". There are no exceptions to this rule, unless you find a clever way of being sarcastic about it. Such as "Work Hard, Play Hard!...in my pants." Otherwise, you sound like a tool.

2. Do not claim that you love to do "anything outdoors." Unless you really mean it, in which case I have a ditch that needs to be dug.

3. Do not post photos of yourself with attractive women. Women who are evaluating your dateability are NOT TURNED ON by seeing you with your arm around a Hooter's waitress with a dopey grin on your face. It's just the way we are. Get with the program.

4. Don't be a nutburger stalker. When you send a message to a woman, wait 72 hours. If at that point she has not responded, FORGET ABOUT HER. Don't send another message telling her how you rilly rilly are a great guy and she's missing out. Don't send her a second message two hours after the first, telling her she's proven herself to be a typical selfish woman. Do not assume that a lack of response before a few days have passed means she isn't interested in you, but DO assume it beyond that point and walk away with your dignity intact.

5. Don't tell us what your friends think of you. "My friends consider me to be honest, loyal, and fun to be around." What? NO WAY. You must be totally awesome if your FRIENDS think you're a decent person.

6. Do not say, "I love to have a good time." Nuh-UH!! Marry me please, because I just can't meet ANYONE who loves to have a good time. What an unusual quality for a human being.

7. Do not title your headline, "Carpe Diem." Dude. That is the most hackneyed thing you could possibly say. We're OVER it. Great movie, nice concept, but Jesus H. Christ. Just do not say it.

8. Do not title your headline, "Nice Guy...With An Edge." The primary reason for that is, five billion other guys use the same headline. The secondary reason is because it is meaningless and also sounds really fuckin' silly.

9. Ease up on the use of "fairly". There's something about that word that just pisses me off. "I'm fairly successful, I'm fairly new in town, I'm fairly adventurous, blah blah fairly blah" -- seriously, guys. Stop it. Do you TALK like that?

10. Don't say that you used to be a playboy but are now ready to settle down. First of all, if you have to say you were a playboy, you probably weren't. Second, it's kinda repulsive. I hear a man say he used to "play the field" and all I can think about is how many STDs and bastard children he has.

11. Much like #6, do yourself a huge favor and don't say that you "enjoy life." Because, again, NO SHIT. We are all going to go ahead and assume you do, in fact, enjoy life, even if you don't point out such. You may as well tell us that you are glad you can breathe and you don't want to die.

12. This the most important thing of all: LEARN HOW TO SPELL. Especially - I cannot stress this enough - if in your profile, you claim to prefer "smart" women. Because the thing about smart women is, they are wholly repulsed by guys who write like third graders. Here are some actual examples straight off the Yahoo! pages:
"I'm funny and humerous."
"Cool, calm, and collective."
"I tend to be layed back."
"I know your out there!"
"Pin pal needed!"
"Looking for a women who will luv me."
"I perfer smart ladeis." (Good luck with that, genius.)

13. If you have children, trust me, we KNOW you love them. It's kind of assumed, you know. You do not need to say, "I have two boys who are the center of my world. I'd do anything for them. I love them more than life itself. My boys are the sweetest little guys in the world! I have built my life around them." I mean seriously. For the love of GOD.

14. Never, ever, EVER whine in your profile about past relationships and how they scarred you. Nothing says "sexy" like baggage, baby!

15. Don't waste your time initiating contacts with women whose clearly-listed preferences do not in any way resemble YOU. You'll just get deleted. For example, the "my ideal match" list on my profile clearly said I preferred guys who were age 30-40ish, of fit or athletic build, college educated, no kids, not religious, and so on. Yet I got dozens of messages from men in their 60's, 22-year-olds with no job, men built like Michael Moore, men with four kids whom they had full-time custody of, men who said "godliness" was the sexiest quality in a woman -- you get the picture. I'm sure they were all lovely individuals, but the preferences are stated for a reason. I don't want to date men my dad's age, and I don't CARE how much money they've got. I don't want to date men who weigh three times as much as me. I don't want to date men who make half as much money as I do - they're just not trying hard enough. I don't want to date men who get turned on by Jeebus worship, it would only end in mutually assured destruction. And really, if I explicitly state a preference for NO KIDS, get a clue. That probably means I don't really LIKE children, so why would you want me to be around yours?

16. Don't make the fatal mistake of assuming ALL women are crazy bitches who want your money. I know, I know - some of them are. But if your opening line is, "You're cute, but the first thing I want to know is if you're crazy like most chicks and are you looking for a sugardaddy because I'm not into that drama," you go in the Douchebag File of Presumptuous Fucking Douchebags.

17. Do not say that you wish to find a mate with a sense of humor. Come on. Think it through. I'm repeating myself here, but...NO SHIT? You don't want someone with NO sense of humor? Huh. What a rare creature you are.

18. Do not, under any circumstances, wear a cowboy hat in your profile photos. Maybe it's just me, but I do live in Texas and I have asked around, and sorry to break it to you guys but most women really, really, REALLY aren't into the cowboy look unless you very closely resemble Tim McGraw in face and body. Few men can pull it off and not look like total dorks. I'm just trying to help you help yourself here.

19. Severely curtail your use of exclamation points. For example: "I don't want to sound arrogant! But I'm a great guy! Are you a great girl? I love the outdoors! Talk to me! I'm looking to meet nice ladies for friendship and maybe more!" Good lord. Take a deep breath. By the way, I'd like to see MORE use of the semicolon; it can be pretty sexy. One more thing - a profile written ALL CAPS is so very, very wrong. Don't do it.

20. Don't list 500 different activities that you "love to do in your spare time." I've seen profiles that seriously said, "On the weekends, I love to ski, surf, boat, fish, camp, rockclimb, play tennis, play basketball, play golf, hike, work out, watch movies, go to museums, have drinks, grill steaks, and cuddle a special lady." Well. My goodness. Sounds absolutely appalling to me. I guess those are the guys who like to Play Hard?

Bam! I feel so very helpful right now. By the way - I don't have a profile on Yahoo! anymore, and I recently started seeing someone I really like a LOT, so I'm off the market. Probably just broke a trillion hearts.

P.S. In case it seems like I'm being too tough on the guys, just wait; I'm making a guide for women, too, and it's not gonna be pretty. It is my well-researched assessment that the "ladies" are even worse than men as far as sounding like dunderskulls on the personals. By the way - "ladies" - is that what we're calling women now? It makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Source: Rachel Lucas

I can't wait to read the guide for women.

VD

Well.. it's Valentine's Day tomorrow.

I'll be listening for the sound of relationships crashing and burning all over the world. Negative, eh? I know. But y'all know I'm right, don't ya?

You have to get her the perfect gift or she'll dump you (oh if only). More than likely she'll pout and be bitchy until you ask her why and then she'll tell you that you screwed up Valentine's Day. Or maybe she'll just tell you that you already know why she's mad. Or that if you loved her, you'd know why she's mad.

She won't say anything at the time.. or beforehand.. when it'd be the most helpful. You won't know that flowers aren't good enough (and really.. they wither and die.. so no. Not good AND on top of that you spent a huge wad on something that won't even last a week. Plain silly.).

That's right. You won't know until afterwards that the standard V-Day gifts are played and useless and can often be taken as insults.

If you take her to a crowded restaurant and have to wait a little too long for seating, you'll have screwed up Valentine's Day. Same thing if you take her to a movie and everyone and his brother had the same idea which leads to poor seating options or perhaps a noisy bunch of morons. RUINED I TELL YOU!

Substitute HIM for HER in any of the above and maybe you'll have the same problem. Having screwed up Valentine's Day. Not that men want flowers. I think most men could really give a crap about Valentine's Day. You're likely all set with merely a card or a wish.

Women should really look into that, by the way. Lives all over the world would improve... relationships, too.

What is a good gift then?

You know your honey better than I do. What do they like? Have they pointed out stuff that they wish they had the cash to buy? Do you even pay attention? And yes... I'm asking the women-folk that too.

There's no rule that says you have to get something done-to-death and probably not romantic as a gift. Getting something you already know they want works too. Know why? It shows that you freaking listened to them.

Hand me some stupid little stuffed animal saying "be mine" and I'll probably hand it back to you explaining to your ass that I already AM YOURS. Same with flowers since I'm allergic anyway.. even if I liked flowers, I couldn't take them.

I think I do a similar rant every year...

Try try try...

I've been thinking a lot about the relationships I've had. Very few of them have been good for me. It's possible that while I think they started out good for me. They may not have EVER been good for me. I might have been terribly delusional about the whole thing.

I've never really been after marriage although I am not exactly opposed to it, per se. It's not a priority, but it's certainly not an impossibility either. For the right one, it'd probably be very good, indeed. However, no such person has presented himself to me. Nor has the universe revealed any such man.

Once upon a time, I was 21 and I thought such a man had dropped in my lap (ok, I was set up with him, really). The chemistry was phenomenal. He was smart, fun and funny, attractive and seemed to think all those things about me. Clicking isn't nearly a good enough adjective to describe what we did. As time when by (about 6 mos. to be exact), he proposed. I answered yes and there I was... engaged and part of me didn't even know why. I don't mean to make it sound like I got carried away and said yes when I didn't want to. Or that he got carried away and asked because that's not how it felt at the time. I said yes and I did mean it.

Eventually, however... maybe 2 years later, I really wondered why he proposed. There was never any wedding planning done. At first, we both felt that since we'd gotten engaged so quick, that a long engagement was on the menu. It made perfect sense at the time and families were on that bandwagon, so my spidey-sense wasn't tingling at all. I'll assume his wasn't either. One thing I never wondered about was whether or not he loved me.

After year number 3, I think I pretty much knew marriage wasn't gonna happen, but I stuck around for almost another 2 years. No, I don't really know why. I don't think I feared being alone, but I do think it made no sense to walk away from someone who loved me, and someone my family and friends really seemed to love, too. I didn't know then how wrong I was.

On both counts.

After that ended (obviously without a wedding), marriage became even less of a priority, though I was not turned off of the idea. I was just not giving it any thought with anyone who I got involved with after him.

No one was bad husband material or bad in any way. An while marriage was brought up once or twice by those who followed him, nothing ever came of it. I was fine with this. Again, I assume they were too.

Lately though... as I look back on my relationships, I notice a theme. None of them are all that bad, but there's always some sort of issue. There's me not wanting to get too involved. Or them not wanting to get too involved. Or it's too complicated for some reason (usually their reasons). Maybe it wasn't the right time.

I don't want a lot. Not looking specifically for marriage and not looking AT ALL to start a family with anyone. I'd rather step into an already created family (IE: step-kids) as I'm just not a baby-maker. I'm not looking to be showered with gifts. Or to be treated like a princess. I'm not looking for movie-style love. I'm not interested in drama, either.

What I do want is someone as interested in me as I am in them. I'm looking for the odd "I love you!" and the actions that back that shit up. I'm looking to tell someone that I love them and then going on myself to back that shit up. I want someone I can talk to. I want someone to go places with.. someone to do groceries with me (because I hate it).

Stupid as it seems... that's hard to find and I don't understand why.

Bad Egg?

I do not make for a good girlfriend. Wanna know why? I'm telling you anyway..

I don't take too well to being screwed around. No, I don't mean cheated on, either... though, I'd not be overly receptive to that sort of thing either.

Gosh no. See, I am an exceedingly impatient person when A) I'm not being afforded any sort of patience myself, B) I'm not being afforded any sort of respect, C) I'm not given any sort of reasons, logic or any kind of explanations as to what the situation might be for which I'm needing to BE patient, D) I seem to be required to be patient about the same things over and over (Haven't I been there already? Can't I be patient for something new now?) or E) You (you being "you" who asked for said patience.. whoever "you" might be.. is being a prick to me. When NONE of those things occurs, in spite of my impatient nature, I can grant someone somewhat limitless patience. Someone being a significant other.

It goes like this. If I love you and A through E is not occurring... and if I know or feel like you also love me.. or hell.. even just respect me in any way, shape or form... there's very LITTLE I won't do for you. Be it being patient with you or making you foodstuffs.

But when one sees fit to jerk my chain... especially repeatedly.. as I can forgive the first chain jerkage (depending)... well... at that point, one can just piss off and die. I don't care if I love you. You can still piss off and die.

Unlike a lot of my peers, I don't wish to marry and push out a bunch of puppies. I don't need flowery-talk and gifts. I don't need sonnets and unending romantic gestures. Especially that last bit. I'm romance-impaired. I certainly wouldn't kick a romance-horse in the mouth, but I am generally unable to dicipher much of the things men do, thinking they're being romantic. When I realize.. or as what usually happens.. am told that I just witnessed romance for my benefit, I am delighted... just... well - kinda bewildered, too.

I am too far advanced in years to be dicking around being patient for someone who seems to ALWAYS need to test my patience. I don't want to think that this is an "ALL OF YOU MEN" deal, but as I've yet to meet a guy - or date a guy, for that matter - who didn't test me over and over...

To the guy who will treat me well along with abstaining from dicking me around... well to that guy... I AM a fan-fucking-taskick girlfriend. But to the others who engage in A, B, C, D or E... I'm completely and utterly useless.

Hmmm.. I forget. Was I making a case for why I'm a bad girlfriend or a good one? Can't tell now.

I'm a dream woman... seriously

This is how my personal ad would read if I were being totally honest and willing to share my self-awareness.. which honestly.. is all I have going for me at the moment.

"SWF, neurotic and feeling really hostile lately seeks SWM who will act like he wants a relationship with me, then inexplicably change his mind... often. She likes bad decisions - lives to make then, in fact - and thinks logic is the be-all end-all, but can't seem to apply any of it herself. She wishes life were actually like a movie or the prefect rock song, sometimes pretending that it is so that she doesn't make others feel bad. She is baffled by her own idiocy, but unable to keep it in check. Other than that, she's 5 foot 4, brown hair and eyes. A real catch."

Guess I was willing, afterall. Y'all want me now, huh...